A closer look at step one

“We are powerless over addiction and our lives have become unmanageable”
What this means to me, in regards to me:
Means I am unable to stop using and doing things that I know are harmful to me. That my compulsive need to use or do things is more important than the mental, physical, emotional, and/or spiritual damage I am willfully doing to myself. My addiction is or has more power over me than my own power has. It has left my soul empty, isolated and angry. I allowed my addiction to have more control over me than I have over me.
I have lost control over my life. What I thought was once secure has been ravaged by my addiction. A lost job, lost relationships, lost dignity: my life has been reduced to rubble and all I am left with are pieces to put back together. I am unable to accomplish things, to succeed at things or make good of things. The reins to my life are being directed by my addiction and by submitting myself to drugs I also willfully submitted my life over along with all the good things in it as well.


Consequences and compulsions

When a thought occurs to me do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

I normally DO consider the consequences first, however, I reason with them or minimize them. I usually convince myself that THIS time will be different. So I wouldn’t say I’m compulsive more in denial of consequences. Feeling like even though they are there they don’t apply to me. Once I’ve given myself permission then I act on compulsion. I will go through the actions THEN think it through.

What is it like when I’m obsessed with something?

I can’t seem to stop my brain, my thoughts, myself from feeding into an obsession. The off button does not exist until the thoughts are satisfied.


Does my thinking follow a pattern?

Yes the above image is the cycle of my thinking that I drew out.


Has my disease been active recently? In what ways?

I feel that as long as I crave, as long as I’m trying to runaway from who I am and my thoughts and feelings, I’m still in active addiction. I have managed to find substitutes for the numbing high. I sleep to much. I watch to much tv, don’t leave my house and sometimes just runaway in my head. As long as these are being used as tools to do what the drugs did, my addiction is still active.


What does the disease of addiction mean to me?

It means to me that I have no control over addiction. It is a force within me that will never leave, get easier or will be fixed. I need to learn to live with it, without it controlling me or consuming me. I can never be a “social” user because once I pick it up I won’t put it back down until I’m destroyed or the world around me starts to cave in. The disease is more powerful than I am. I can never forget about my addiction, minimize it, or stop working on how to live with it or I will fall. It means I always will be needing to hold myself accountable about my addiction.

Having the disease of addiction means I have mastered how to lie, steal, cheat and manipulate things and others to put my addiction first. It means I must be suicidal as death is the only outcome of living IN and WITH my addiction.

The disease of addiction means I have to work harder, longer, more fiercely and with absolute diligence about knowing my addiction, learning about my addiction, maintaining my addiction and living with my addiction. It will be the one thing I will always have to work my hardest and longest at.


Step one

We admitted that we were POWERLESS over our addiction, that our lives had become UNMANAGEABLE!